3 ways to vent with a newly invented machine
These are stressful times and keeping it together all day every day is not an easy task. The temptation to lash out at those around you can be great. But as you know, unloading your stress on others is not a solution and can just create more problems for you and those around you. But not to worry, I’m here to help. I’m very proud to present you my latest invention: The Venting Machine®
The concept is very simple. You need to vent? The Venting Machine® can take it all. Just shout any abuse you want into the opening at the front of the machine. The machine will always answer with either “I’m sorry”, “I understand, you’re right, I’m wrong” or “Yes, daddy, harder”.
You can choose between these three options to select the answers you want to hear:
- Venting me softly
- Size Venti
- Hardly venting
The sound and intensity of the voice changes for each mode.
Additionally, and just to add some relief options, my team and I are preparing a second version that will offer a folded Vent Kit®, including:
- Silver cardboard that you can fold to make your own air vent
- Dirty white wifebeater
- Silver Zippo Lighter (gas not included)
The cardboard vents will come in two lengths of 1 and 2 meters (3,28 and 6,56 feet). With these tools you can recreate a very stressful day from a police offer in 1988’s Los Angeles. What better way to forget your own troubles than pretending to be a cop that has only a few hours to stop a terrorist from blowing up a tower?
Two vents can easily be attached to one another to create an even longer venting experience. The vents are sold folded but there are instructions. If you have any questions, we can show you how the vents unfold.
If you have any questions, want to pre-order or are interested in selling these machines in your area, please use the contact form.
The confused albinocerant
The albinocerant is one of those animals that shouldn’t exist. But of all these animals that shouldn’t exist, the albinocerant makes the most sense. First, we have the fact that the albinocerant does have the decency to not exist. And then, well, just look at it. Doesn’t it look magnificent? With its big eyes, its horns on the side, the blackish white of its skin and the long trunk just above its tail? If you’ve never seen a real-life albinocerant, you definitely should go to Havanna, change the H for an S, squint, so it does almost look like you are in the Savanna. And then, just imagine you are getting hit over the head repeatedly with a wet towel while a Norwegian limbo dancer does the Chinese twistomelter in front of you while juggling tigoscissor cats. That’s about what an albinocerant looks like. It might look confused, because it always does. Wouldn’t you look confused if you looked like that? Great animal, I rate it 3 Chinese twistomelters out of four and a half tigoscissor cats (females, obviously, males would be ridiculous).
